i should go into the T shirt printing business..

pehaps i'm just looking for smth to blame.. some reason or excuse to make my actions seem just.. i needed that pep talk.. i needed to see.. its not always abt me.. its abt team.. today i forgot the most fundemental rule in the kitchen.. keeping clean.. because of this, i was messy.. my planning was messy..i was all over the place.. just really really sloppy.. why? because i was tired? no.. no matter how tired i am i always pushed and pushed and pushed before.. i feel im mentally exhausted.. too much info..not enough peace of mind.. all the planning for school.. the clothes the this's and the thats.. i dont know..

but fuck this shit.. this is all seriously just an excuse.. on friday i had the most awesome day at work.. the compliments were flying.. i think i let it get to me..today was just plain fucking sloppy.. and the whole thing that got me thinking was the never forget who u are speech.. i always make it a point to tell my self i'm always gonna be a cook.. weather i'm at the bottom washing dishes or on top planning menus.. i gotta be diciplined.. over these 2 days i had forgotten this.. i had pushed all the cleaning to my partner who was really doing a good job.. now why was he workng his butt off while i was lazy.. because he wanted to impress me.. he wanted me to feel that he was ready and commited to learn.. and if he had to do all the shit, he would do it just to gain knowlege that i could share with him.. fuck man.. that was me.. that was me just 2 weeks ago. i was doing that.. and now i let some compliments fly to my brain i forget who i am.. fuck this shit.

u see this always happens when i let my emotional standards go up.. loose the focus.. i let my self have fun by socialising and being merry.. laughing and giggling.. yes for a while it feels good.. but then i start behaving like an idiot at work.. not as serious.. slow.. sloppy.. poor planning.. how can like that.. now.. it 2 min the clock stikes 12.. i'm game face all the way.. that way at least i know i'll be confidant in whatever the fuck i'm doing.. and for a long time it feels like shit..

another thing i learnt was i we cant move too fast..when a huge order comes in, my mind works like it has to solve an equation in the fastest possible time.. numbers of cooking times fly through my head.. which cooks fastest which cooks slowest.. and not just for me.. but for everyone around me.. i have it all programmed in!!! which to me i think is awesome cause i can control everysingle aspect of the line.. whose doing what, what am i doing, how long more to serve, how fast..but when it comes to teaching someone this.. i crash.. total failure.. i dunno la.. i'm seriously quite bummed today.. but tml is a new day.. i need to go back to being awesome. confidant and a total jackass.. cause seriously. thats what makes people happy.. thats what makes me happy..

that dont kill me make me stronger..

as time passes i find my self growing.. in skill and in knowledge.. i want to learn more.. i feel the need to be better.. better than the best.. to be faster.. more orgainised.. someone people can rely on.. not just in terms of cooking well,but in terms of knowlege.. i wish to be an encyclopedia of food people can refer to..

lately i've been getting addressed as chef alot.. it feels weird.. i dont feel i'm ready of the title.. so many things i havent learnt.. i lack creativity.. but i question my self, do people call me this cause they feel my presence in the kitchen.. i'm just very confused.. i need to start studying more.. i need to be one of the best in school..

28 nov is a big day..

partaay!



went to work with a little alcohol in my system.. seriously fucking fun.. i think i was faster and quicker and more awesome!

you know if theres one thing that really grinds my gears, its my x gf lucy... shes already dated like 2 of my friends after me.. ok whats fucked up is she talks alot by not letting me go near any of her friends but then still goes around being a fucking hippo-crate or how ever u fucking spell it going out with 2 of my bros.. first was my closest friend in poly.. introed them to each other after we broke up and they were secretly dating behind my back.. now another one of my bros who i tried so much to help him get his x gf back.. and now hes dating her.. i'm not pissed with them... i'd just annoyed with her fucking hippocracy that i had to let go of someone i really cared abt cause of her.. GO BACK TO WHORE ISLAND!!!


anyway.. on a lighter note, 47 days more.. i need a break..

Awefully choco cakes arnt that bad actually.... nice light and tasty.. unfortunatly the cream was awful.. i dont knw how to spell awefull.. but whatever.. cream sucks dont order cream.. anwyay.. heres a funny photo of me looking constipated in the gym.. the weight looks like its dam light..

knee has sorta recoverd! back to skating bitches!!!

had a good day after some time today.. skated abit without irritating knee pain.. played with the new toy camera.. and proposed to ken after a really good 9buck meal.. best meal this year.. for 9 bucks u get like some vegetables, an egg, fries, a fillet of beef, lamb and pork, bacon, and a nicely seared saussage.. nicely sauced by someone whose obviously a pepper monkey.. but it was good.. i just had to compliment the chef.. i felt so happy.. such simple food.. and pretty decent service.. that made my day.. so anyway. ken asked me to blog abt him..





if u look carefully, hes sticking his tongue out..

u know whats fucked up.. singapore food.. singapore food is so so so fucked up.. RARELY am i blown away by food.. infact, my stomach and palette is more contented with fucking Brown bread and low fat milk.. i mean seriously.. how can people sell crap.. whats worse, HOW CAN PEOPLE BUY CRAP CONSISTANTLY!!! i dont understand how some places remain open.. so many food joints have gone into factory mass production instead of personal prep and standard productions.. what happened to fresh produce and non frozen food..fuck this shit man.. seriously.. the other day i went to fishermans warf at clark quay.. fucking deep deep fried fuck fish.. made me so fucking nausious.. i tried looking for smth to make me feel better after that.. nth.. food courts also made me sad.. at far east, everything was fast food.. yes... sam has actually stopped eating fast deep fried crap food.. i thought ok i'll go to subway.. fuckers changed the beef in the cheese steak so some low quality tastelss grub.. fucking ruined my day.. SO.. i came home feeling sick, and just drank my no frills milk and passed out on the couch.. FUCKED UP..

today i went to ion armed 10 bucks to explore.. decided to try this place called R burger.. place which has collagen in their buns.. i dont care if your buns make me look younger.. ordered 2 things on the menu.. some beef burger and a chicken burger.. both tasted like saddness.. saddness i swear.. i just felt sad.. i felt like going back and telling them, "eh close down please now while u still can" bt i didnt of course.. i'll give it 1/5.. will i ever be back.. FUCK NO..

then i went to Spizza... decided to try the bruchettas... i had a really good experience last year.. today i was disappointed.. maybe i set my standards and hopes too high.. dunno la.. fuck me..

i know i'm not gonna let the people around me end up eating crap..

my babies..

OHHH YEAHHHH!!

i really value life..its just so fucking fragile.. its so easy to just die when u least know it.. makes me fucking jaded..

i know i want to cook more.. everytime i hear of a tragedy, i pray.. asking god not to take me away.. cause i want to cook and make a difference.. i want to cook for people and make them happy.. i really want to change the world a little at a time.. i know we all must pass.. but i really dont want to go now.. i have to much to do..

good is not good enough.. its gotta be sensational.. i need it to be mind blowing.. something that makes u feel good inside.. something that takes your mind away from all your issues and problems.. if its just half ass and done for the sake of doing, its not gonna be done by me..

lately ive been getting alot more stove time.. i've also been doing stupid things at home.. my next project is a cold lobster moose dish.. anyway.. BREAKFASTTTTT!!

at the end of the day we'll always be different.. i'll never be what u are.. and in your heart u know you'll never see things the way i do.. at times it brings me down know that i'm created this way.. the same way you are.. just with one big variable.. i'll always be a cook.. and u'll always be a patissier.. its not smth u control.. just like cooking is not smth i can control.. it controls me.. its in my blood.. in my veins..

i wish to learn to appreaciate things the way you do.. the way u look at flours and sugars and sweets.. how just look at a cake mix and know smth is wrong.. i wish to appreaciate these things the same way i look at fresh ingridents and produce.. how a small whiff of my basil and rose mary plants just make me smile.. how the 3 different aromas of stirfrying garlic just make me start beaming.. i dont understand why i dont see pastry that way.. and i refuse to believe i'm a cook and will always be this way..nths written in stone..

Got this ice box where my heart used to be..

i just spent the last 1 hour trying to froth milk so i can make funky designs to impress chicks.. and after i finally figured it out, i ran out of milk..gay..

anyway.. i have so much to prep for before school..

been wondering why everyones always unhappy and fighting or upset.. everyones pretty selfish.. i admit i am.. i dont share my feelings much anymore.. i'll help out as much as possible but i never expect anything back these days..




on a better note.. i found my true love.. ROSEEEEMARRYYY.. i tell u i'm crazy abt her.. i just looovvve smelling her.. i dont know why but it makes me happy.. cheap thrills.. i'm growing lavender, basil and some parsley as well.. i dont know what it is abt plants.. esp herbs.. their aromas seriously just make my day sometimes..

the kitchen is a dam noisy place.. its always loud noises and people talking, pans moving and theres never a sense of peace in a restraunt.. well thats what i feel..

i just really feel like spending these last few off days at home in silence.. quite tired of all the constant noise..

Hi Sam,

Congratulations! You have been accepted to the CIA pending an original bank statement. You have been assigned to the January 5th entry date. Please let me know if this works for you.

Once again, congratulations!
Michelle

Michelle Armstrong
Admissions Officer
The Culinary Institute of America





HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEEEAAHHH!!! BABBBAAAYYYY!!! i'm fucking happy.. i'm sooo fucking happy.. i've been waiting and waiting and just waiting for this day (yesterday) to come... in 3 months time or so.. zooom straight to the moon..


i'm growning to become introverted.. EXTREMLY i must say.. i just dont feel like talking to people anymore.. i just feel like sitting in my little shell and doing my own thing.. i fear social events.. everything is always "catching up" oh what are u up to now? oh i'm doing this, u're doing that.. i rememeber being so emotional "loving" last time.. now, after my relationship with yiwei, i'm really just very cold. i feel very cold inside.. i've really learnt to cut off from people.. for example if my x gf doesnt want me talking to her friends, i'm not going to.. i dont want to argue and do shit like that.. i dont want to bitch about her either cause she prob has her reasons.. but thing is i dont feel like i care abt it.. its just like ohh ok.. what ever.. bye..

and today at xy's birthday party.. i dont know.. i just felt i dont belong in these situations.. i think i just need to be around other cooks.. prob the only place where i'd fit in.. i just cant wait to leave..

part of being a cook makes me very socially retarded when i'm not in my jacket.. sometimes i think that without it, theres nth else about me.. perhaps it feels like my spine.. and i've been working so much i've forgotten who i used to be.. now i just dont want to deal with stupid issues or stupid people.. i'm just looking forward to xy's bird day this week end..




yes this is what i do to amuse my self in my free time.. create watermelon sea monsters who feed on fish shaped biscuits..


anyway.. dont ever eat at modestos.. the food sucks.. if u do, the only good thing is their carbonara.. everything else is a waste of cash.. service is poor too..

Chef xamms MC delivery huhhhhhh???

Man.. today i got a look at how to run and manage a large breakfast at a hotel..

it was FUCKING FUN! freaking havoc feeding 150 morons who have loads of money but absolutely no manners..

i'm gonna be getting my first chef job position.. so much planning.. so many checklists.. OHH YEAH!!!!


best part of it all.. CORPORATE SLUTS!!!!

i'm gonna be getting my oppertunity to shine soon.. its make it or break it..

oh yeahhhh..

i realise i lack creativity.. i need to expose my self more to not just professionals.. but to de-construction-ists.. people who see the bigger picture... i cant be stealing ideas all the time.. rarely do i come up with stuff thats original.. even if it is original, its a heavy modification of something that already exists..

oh wait.. i did invent the pen spoon and pen fork which is worth a million dollars..

i dont know why i'm on live journal.. but i'm here now.. its so much easier.. anyway.. been working like mad.. i just cant wait for school to begin.. everytime i read or watch videos about school, i feel like just packing my bags and leaving instantly..

MEET THE BLOBBB!!! maybe i should get him as a tattoo.. haha..