i just cant take my eyes off you.. i just want to keep giving u hugs and seriously i feel incomplete if i dont hug u before we part.. maybe i'm crazy.. but i'm just crazy about you.. you just make me feel so dam complete and make we wanna work even harder.. seriously one of the best feelings in the world was falling asleep with you in my arms.. i didnt want to let you go.. i didnt want your fragrance to leave.. i dont wanna play games and i wish i could just grab you hold u the way we do when we're alone away from all the loud noises..

i dont know what i'm gonna do if u wake up from this dream..

anyway cheesey song!


You be my princess
And I'll be your toad
I'll follow behind you
On rainbow road
Protect you from red shells
Wherever we go
I promise.

No one will touch us
If we pick up a star
And if you spin out
You can ride in my car
When we slide together
We generate sparks
In our wheels and our hearts

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The blue shell is coming
So I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
It'll hit me instead
But never look back
Cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you

Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Just eat this glowing mushroom
And they'll all fade away

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

To the mushroom cup
And the flower cup
And the star cup
And the reverse cup

sprained my shoulder today.. but it was worth it.. snow boarding is so bloody fun zomgwtfbbq!


but you made the day complete.. the way u snowboarded down the hills, just carving the hills just made me realise how awesome u are... to me u just glow.. i looked around the bus but everything was just grey.. except u.. that sparkle in your eye.. the way u tie your hair.. the way u look at me when u're lying in my arms..your hands on mine.. the smell of your hair.. just u.. u're perfect.. u're smart.. u can cook.. u can bake..u're awesome in maths.. u're driven to be the best.. u can challenge me. u intrigue me.. u leave me wanting more..u;re so warm.. ure so strong.. to me u're perfect and i feel my self falling for you but i'm so scared u'll go one day.. u're that girl i've been waiting for my whole life.. i just know it.. i dont wanna scare u away with these strong emotions.. i'm not a jealous man..and u're free to roam as u please.. our last hug is always the sweetest.. and when we're alone i feel so comfortable..

just please dont ever go cause even though its been only 4 weeks of knowing u.. i know i want to know u for the rest of my life..



yes i sound like a fag but i dont care..

ove is real it is not just in novels or the movies
It is fact and it is standing here right in front of you
So if you just open your eyes, oh what a sweet discovery
There is hope, and there is joy and there is acceptance

So now let all the light that collects on your plants keep you warm, make you
smile
And I will be there with this pen in my hand to record all the while
You'll be laughing so loud that the house will shake with sound
And everything will be as new as the day it was found

Oh, love is real it is not just in long-distance commercials
Or something that you thought you felt back in high school
So I will turn black and white become that horoscope you're reading
It predicts that something good is on its way

And I'll send you all the world green and blue in a box through the mail
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand and be glad that it's there
And be glad that you're there

Now you can feel all the knots in your stomach they start to untie
And suddenly it's not so hard to say you're alright

Oh, love is real it is not just in poetry and stories
It is truth and it will follow you everywhere you go from now on
So if you just cast all off your doubts then your lips would answer for you
Oh, my darling when you smile it is like a song
I can hear it now
And I can hear it now...


=D

god.. u know how much i want this.. thanks for 2 awesome days.. i really just want it to continue forever..

yes.. its happned.. i dont like the fact that it has. i'm dreading the outcome of this triangle.. too much of a cynic i suppose.. there i was just sitting on my bed wishing you were there... i had no interest of the display ahead of me.. it was right there open for me to take advantage of the situation and be a fag.. bt i couldnt.. my heart was tied.. i didnt want to.. i had no interest.. i was even asked if i was a man.. i gave some excuse abt being sleepy.. i keep trying to fight this whole thing but i cant.. i dnt like feeling like this. but then again i do..i dunno la.. i just like being around u but i dont know what i want.. u're that needle in the hay stack.. i found you.. i just dont know if i can keep u.. i'm trying not to make all my moves and scare u away.. u cant see u're making me crazy now.. i dont believe u know u're amazing how u've got me holding my breath..




sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

i was in math class the other day.. the teacher asked us " how many % of being a chef is actually cooking?" he gave us the choice of 0 to 25, 25 to 50, 50 to 75 and 75 to 100.

For me i felt like it should have been 75 to 100%. everyone else almost had disagreed.. yes i admit there are other aspects to being a chef. Front of the house service, food costing, management and what ever.. but thats not who we are.. at least thats not who i am.. i feel i'm a cook.. everything else is mandatory.. such as food costing.. we gotta know it.. its part of the job.. but why do we have to know it? its cause we deal with food..

i think that the cia knows this.. everyone can learn math.. everyone can learn how to set up a table and pour drinks and take orders. everyone can learn to peel a potato fast.. dice up random vegetables.. but u see, this is mandatory.. its the first skills u HAVE to learn.. u're not a cook because u know them.. but can everyone make a good brown stock? can everyone make a perfect omlette? what i'm talking abt is creativity.. i think if u look at alot of the current pro chefs around, u wont see them doing food costing. u wont see them doing dining service.. u'll see them cooking. be it on the line or experimenting or teaching a new apprentice the ways.. i mean.. thats what i figured why cia gives us all this.. it gives us a back door and if we cant cook, we can always push pencils.. which is good.. i'm not saying its impossible to learn to make a solid brown stock or a nice 5star omlette. hey i dont even know that stuff.. but thats why i'm here.. i'm also here to learn the math and gastronomy and the lame writing classes and i'm gonna put in a 100 and 10 % into everything.. but we should never forget we're cooks.. ok u know i'm not trying to push my opinion on anyone.. this is just the way i see it.. for me being a chef is all about cooking and creating.. i have barely created anything of a 3 Michelin star standard till this day. but fuck me i'm sure as hell gonna try to create the perfect meals to make the world happy..

My previous chef, Sady, was more of a business man.. i could feel he loved numbers more than food.. he could cook.. 3 michilin stars standards, i dont think so.. he had some funky ideas.. but still thats not the direction i want to head in.. making money is important and he was seriously dam bloody good at it.. he was a chef.. he knew all this numbers and paper work and how to seduce customers.. but i dont wnat to do that.. i want to be a cook.. i want to let my food seduce the people.. one day i am gonna make it.. with this school..

just began class yesterday.. asian girls are hot.. haha..



heres a strange ass cake deco i found in the rec center

alright.. i'm currently in my hotel room doing my first entry for 2010.. i'm gonna get straight to the point..

i'm feeling like i'm in a state of limbo.. like staying here in this hotel for the week has really given me alot of time to sleep and just stone.. unfortunately i feel that i'm abit dumb.. like kinda slow to react to certain things.. i'm moving to poughkeepsie today.. the city where my school is.. excited and nervous is what i'm feeling.. well not really.. just a little.. i still feel like im stuck in a state of purgatory and am still abit numb to feeling.. its not affecting me but i am abit concerned as i feel throughly detached from alot of things.. it makes me wonder if i'll ever be able to connect with anyone..

leaving singaore wasnt hard. to be honest i wanted to go.. i didnt really feel like anything was holding me back besides my parents of course and a couple of friends.. i thought id be the sort whod want to have a big party before i left but i kept find excuses not to organise one.. just kept quiet and kept working.. i guess i was worried that i wouldnt have much to say to the people i invited.. i mean small talk like ehhhh when u coming back... eh where is it?? ehhh i heard ny is awesome and cold.. ehhh when u come back must cook for me.. ehhhh.. u see? small talk.. only my closer friends didnt say shit like that to me which made me realise alot of things.. i was throughly detached from ALOT of people.. i was only close to these people for the ride.. for example if i worked with them in the past or studied with them... or were friends of friends.. makes u realise as u get older people get more walls up.. i dont think i'm the sort who has much walls up.. but i'm very numb and lazy to go deal with peoples issues.. i'm not blaming anyone and i'm not emo.. i'm just reflecting on this year..

i guess that now that i;ve gone, i can see that i really didnt fit in in sg.. i kinda knew it.. i hardly met extraordinary people.. like work siao people.. everyone just surcumbed to being normal.. i was watching CNN the other day here.. people around the world formed choirs and sang about their countries in the form of a complain.. not surprising the land of complain kings, singapore was highlighted.. their song went smth like this..

if u dont work hard, u'll just be ordinary like everyone here..

that just hit me again.. kinda like the post man incident.. where he told me to stop studying and get a job as a police man and be contented with a 2k salary being some low ranked corporal who goes around catching kids for smoking..FUCK ME!!!



cookings been great though.. i've felt my self transform.. i knw i push harder than alot of other cooks.. i have to be numero uno.. i have to know everything.. i have to be the fastest at everything.. i have to be cleaner than everyone..it showed at my prev work place.. i was happy not cause alot of people gave me parting gifts on my last day.. i was happy cause for the first time in my life i was looked upon as a chef.. not just a small boy who once stood in the background listening to conversations amongst the seniors and big bosses.. but a chef..(well technically speaking i still know jack shit abt cooking..) but still my pushing got me a 100 buck voucher which the other cooks didnt get..the 100 bucks didnt mean much.. the point was that the company i worked for was just a hired contractor in this service appartment. the voucher wasnt technically supposed to be given to people who arnt staff.. this is what made happy.. that was number 1 amongst the other cooks in my company.... MUHAHAHAHHAHAHA.. yes i want to gloat.. but hey, talent and creativity region.. i suck big time.. haha


anyway, its 7am here.. 6pm sg time.. i'm gonna be heading to school today for the first time... moving in.. shit man 3 years ive waited for this day.. since like the moment i posted out of brtc, i just wanted to go.. yes i'm shitting in my pants.. i really gotta thank my parents esp my dad for supporting me through this.. school fees, computer, iphone, new clothes shoes and tonnes of other things.. i know i;m gonna push my self to work hard and be awesome..







cb face

dunno la.. fucking jaded.. dunno abt what also.. i just feel like being alone till i leave..

14 days left till my flight.. sometimes i feel bad abt being so anal.. but then fuck it.. thats just who i am.. these past few days at the new cafe have had their ups and downs.. all this planning has been super fun to be part off.. suddenly tickets flying all over the place is so dam fun!!! u know.. i just feel happy lately.. i'm happy where i am now.. i'm happy.. i'm just really happy..

18 days are left.. only yesterday the first sign of urgency hit me to pack when i received my housing details.. i'm gonna be in a triple room.. doesnt really matter cause we have our own toilet.. i just hope it doesnt smell like doo doo..

i've been meaning to reflect on so many things but just barely have the time.. so many ups and downs all over the place.. i'm really glad to see that some of the people i cook for really can tell the difference when i make a dish and when others do..i dont know.. i just feel i've grown so much lately this year.. i've even stopped being late most of the time.. haha..

oh and my dieting is working.. not eating after abt630 to 7pm REALLY helps shrink your belly..

today at wrk i found out the auntie i work with, auntie alice, is a stage 3 breast cancer survior.. i mean its seriously a miricle..i have so much respect for her and now its just amazing to be in her presence.. to actually keep positive through the whole ordeal can be so tough on a person.. she just kept being happy and trying her best not to let the others around her feel burdened or upset by her condition.. sounds dam gay but i felt like giving her a hug.. real good people are reallly hard to meet these days who'd give and not expect anything in return.. just out of good will..


everyday i tell my self i'm awesome.. i'm awesome i'm awesome i'm awesome.. i need to be i want to be i certainly can be.. i want my cooking to change the world.. i'm glad i helped u lemon re-ignine your passion towards what u do.. seriously.. u may be happy, but u dont know how happy u've made me by saying that.. and i'm too lazy to reply to u..

i should go into the T shirt printing business..

pehaps i'm just looking for smth to blame.. some reason or excuse to make my actions seem just.. i needed that pep talk.. i needed to see.. its not always abt me.. its abt team.. today i forgot the most fundemental rule in the kitchen.. keeping clean.. because of this, i was messy.. my planning was messy..i was all over the place.. just really really sloppy.. why? because i was tired? no.. no matter how tired i am i always pushed and pushed and pushed before.. i feel im mentally exhausted.. too much info..not enough peace of mind.. all the planning for school.. the clothes the this's and the thats.. i dont know..

but fuck this shit.. this is all seriously just an excuse.. on friday i had the most awesome day at work.. the compliments were flying.. i think i let it get to me..today was just plain fucking sloppy.. and the whole thing that got me thinking was the never forget who u are speech.. i always make it a point to tell my self i'm always gonna be a cook.. weather i'm at the bottom washing dishes or on top planning menus.. i gotta be diciplined.. over these 2 days i had forgotten this.. i had pushed all the cleaning to my partner who was really doing a good job.. now why was he workng his butt off while i was lazy.. because he wanted to impress me.. he wanted me to feel that he was ready and commited to learn.. and if he had to do all the shit, he would do it just to gain knowlege that i could share with him.. fuck man.. that was me.. that was me just 2 weeks ago. i was doing that.. and now i let some compliments fly to my brain i forget who i am.. fuck this shit.

u see this always happens when i let my emotional standards go up.. loose the focus.. i let my self have fun by socialising and being merry.. laughing and giggling.. yes for a while it feels good.. but then i start behaving like an idiot at work.. not as serious.. slow.. sloppy.. poor planning.. how can like that.. now.. it 2 min the clock stikes 12.. i'm game face all the way.. that way at least i know i'll be confidant in whatever the fuck i'm doing.. and for a long time it feels like shit..

another thing i learnt was i we cant move too fast..when a huge order comes in, my mind works like it has to solve an equation in the fastest possible time.. numbers of cooking times fly through my head.. which cooks fastest which cooks slowest.. and not just for me.. but for everyone around me.. i have it all programmed in!!! which to me i think is awesome cause i can control everysingle aspect of the line.. whose doing what, what am i doing, how long more to serve, how fast..but when it comes to teaching someone this.. i crash.. total failure.. i dunno la.. i'm seriously quite bummed today.. but tml is a new day.. i need to go back to being awesome. confidant and a total jackass.. cause seriously. thats what makes people happy.. thats what makes me happy..

that dont kill me make me stronger..

as time passes i find my self growing.. in skill and in knowledge.. i want to learn more.. i feel the need to be better.. better than the best.. to be faster.. more orgainised.. someone people can rely on.. not just in terms of cooking well,but in terms of knowlege.. i wish to be an encyclopedia of food people can refer to..

lately i've been getting addressed as chef alot.. it feels weird.. i dont feel i'm ready of the title.. so many things i havent learnt.. i lack creativity.. but i question my self, do people call me this cause they feel my presence in the kitchen.. i'm just very confused.. i need to start studying more.. i need to be one of the best in school..

28 nov is a big day..

partaay!



went to work with a little alcohol in my system.. seriously fucking fun.. i think i was faster and quicker and more awesome!

you know if theres one thing that really grinds my gears, its my x gf lucy... shes already dated like 2 of my friends after me.. ok whats fucked up is she talks alot by not letting me go near any of her friends but then still goes around being a fucking hippo-crate or how ever u fucking spell it going out with 2 of my bros.. first was my closest friend in poly.. introed them to each other after we broke up and they were secretly dating behind my back.. now another one of my bros who i tried so much to help him get his x gf back.. and now hes dating her.. i'm not pissed with them... i'd just annoyed with her fucking hippocracy that i had to let go of someone i really cared abt cause of her.. GO BACK TO WHORE ISLAND!!!


anyway.. on a lighter note, 47 days more.. i need a break..

Awefully choco cakes arnt that bad actually.... nice light and tasty.. unfortunatly the cream was awful.. i dont knw how to spell awefull.. but whatever.. cream sucks dont order cream.. anwyay.. heres a funny photo of me looking constipated in the gym.. the weight looks like its dam light..

knee has sorta recoverd! back to skating bitches!!!

had a good day after some time today.. skated abit without irritating knee pain.. played with the new toy camera.. and proposed to ken after a really good 9buck meal.. best meal this year.. for 9 bucks u get like some vegetables, an egg, fries, a fillet of beef, lamb and pork, bacon, and a nicely seared saussage.. nicely sauced by someone whose obviously a pepper monkey.. but it was good.. i just had to compliment the chef.. i felt so happy.. such simple food.. and pretty decent service.. that made my day.. so anyway. ken asked me to blog abt him..





if u look carefully, hes sticking his tongue out..

u know whats fucked up.. singapore food.. singapore food is so so so fucked up.. RARELY am i blown away by food.. infact, my stomach and palette is more contented with fucking Brown bread and low fat milk.. i mean seriously.. how can people sell crap.. whats worse, HOW CAN PEOPLE BUY CRAP CONSISTANTLY!!! i dont understand how some places remain open.. so many food joints have gone into factory mass production instead of personal prep and standard productions.. what happened to fresh produce and non frozen food..fuck this shit man.. seriously.. the other day i went to fishermans warf at clark quay.. fucking deep deep fried fuck fish.. made me so fucking nausious.. i tried looking for smth to make me feel better after that.. nth.. food courts also made me sad.. at far east, everything was fast food.. yes... sam has actually stopped eating fast deep fried crap food.. i thought ok i'll go to subway.. fuckers changed the beef in the cheese steak so some low quality tastelss grub.. fucking ruined my day.. SO.. i came home feeling sick, and just drank my no frills milk and passed out on the couch.. FUCKED UP..

today i went to ion armed 10 bucks to explore.. decided to try this place called R burger.. place which has collagen in their buns.. i dont care if your buns make me look younger.. ordered 2 things on the menu.. some beef burger and a chicken burger.. both tasted like saddness.. saddness i swear.. i just felt sad.. i felt like going back and telling them, "eh close down please now while u still can" bt i didnt of course.. i'll give it 1/5.. will i ever be back.. FUCK NO..

then i went to Spizza... decided to try the bruchettas... i had a really good experience last year.. today i was disappointed.. maybe i set my standards and hopes too high.. dunno la.. fuck me..

i know i'm not gonna let the people around me end up eating crap..

my babies..

OHHH YEAHHHH!!

i really value life..its just so fucking fragile.. its so easy to just die when u least know it.. makes me fucking jaded..

i know i want to cook more.. everytime i hear of a tragedy, i pray.. asking god not to take me away.. cause i want to cook and make a difference.. i want to cook for people and make them happy.. i really want to change the world a little at a time.. i know we all must pass.. but i really dont want to go now.. i have to much to do..

good is not good enough.. its gotta be sensational.. i need it to be mind blowing.. something that makes u feel good inside.. something that takes your mind away from all your issues and problems.. if its just half ass and done for the sake of doing, its not gonna be done by me..

lately ive been getting alot more stove time.. i've also been doing stupid things at home.. my next project is a cold lobster moose dish.. anyway.. BREAKFASTTTTT!!

at the end of the day we'll always be different.. i'll never be what u are.. and in your heart u know you'll never see things the way i do.. at times it brings me down know that i'm created this way.. the same way you are.. just with one big variable.. i'll always be a cook.. and u'll always be a patissier.. its not smth u control.. just like cooking is not smth i can control.. it controls me.. its in my blood.. in my veins..

i wish to learn to appreaciate things the way you do.. the way u look at flours and sugars and sweets.. how just look at a cake mix and know smth is wrong.. i wish to appreaciate these things the same way i look at fresh ingridents and produce.. how a small whiff of my basil and rose mary plants just make me smile.. how the 3 different aromas of stirfrying garlic just make me start beaming.. i dont understand why i dont see pastry that way.. and i refuse to believe i'm a cook and will always be this way..nths written in stone..

Got this ice box where my heart used to be..

i just spent the last 1 hour trying to froth milk so i can make funky designs to impress chicks.. and after i finally figured it out, i ran out of milk..gay..

anyway.. i have so much to prep for before school..

been wondering why everyones always unhappy and fighting or upset.. everyones pretty selfish.. i admit i am.. i dont share my feelings much anymore.. i'll help out as much as possible but i never expect anything back these days..




on a better note.. i found my true love.. ROSEEEEMARRYYY.. i tell u i'm crazy abt her.. i just looovvve smelling her.. i dont know why but it makes me happy.. cheap thrills.. i'm growing lavender, basil and some parsley as well.. i dont know what it is abt plants.. esp herbs.. their aromas seriously just make my day sometimes..

the kitchen is a dam noisy place.. its always loud noises and people talking, pans moving and theres never a sense of peace in a restraunt.. well thats what i feel..

i just really feel like spending these last few off days at home in silence.. quite tired of all the constant noise..

Hi Sam,

Congratulations! You have been accepted to the CIA pending an original bank statement. You have been assigned to the January 5th entry date. Please let me know if this works for you.

Once again, congratulations!
Michelle

Michelle Armstrong
Admissions Officer
The Culinary Institute of America





HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEEEAAHHH!!! BABBBAAAYYYY!!! i'm fucking happy.. i'm sooo fucking happy.. i've been waiting and waiting and just waiting for this day (yesterday) to come... in 3 months time or so.. zooom straight to the moon..


i'm growning to become introverted.. EXTREMLY i must say.. i just dont feel like talking to people anymore.. i just feel like sitting in my little shell and doing my own thing.. i fear social events.. everything is always "catching up" oh what are u up to now? oh i'm doing this, u're doing that.. i rememeber being so emotional "loving" last time.. now, after my relationship with yiwei, i'm really just very cold. i feel very cold inside.. i've really learnt to cut off from people.. for example if my x gf doesnt want me talking to her friends, i'm not going to.. i dont want to argue and do shit like that.. i dont want to bitch about her either cause she prob has her reasons.. but thing is i dont feel like i care abt it.. its just like ohh ok.. what ever.. bye..

and today at xy's birthday party.. i dont know.. i just felt i dont belong in these situations.. i think i just need to be around other cooks.. prob the only place where i'd fit in.. i just cant wait to leave..

part of being a cook makes me very socially retarded when i'm not in my jacket.. sometimes i think that without it, theres nth else about me.. perhaps it feels like my spine.. and i've been working so much i've forgotten who i used to be.. now i just dont want to deal with stupid issues or stupid people.. i'm just looking forward to xy's bird day this week end..




yes this is what i do to amuse my self in my free time.. create watermelon sea monsters who feed on fish shaped biscuits..


anyway.. dont ever eat at modestos.. the food sucks.. if u do, the only good thing is their carbonara.. everything else is a waste of cash.. service is poor too..

Chef xamms MC delivery huhhhhhh???

Man.. today i got a look at how to run and manage a large breakfast at a hotel..

it was FUCKING FUN! freaking havoc feeding 150 morons who have loads of money but absolutely no manners..

i'm gonna be getting my first chef job position.. so much planning.. so many checklists.. OHH YEAH!!!!


best part of it all.. CORPORATE SLUTS!!!!

i'm gonna be getting my oppertunity to shine soon.. its make it or break it..

oh yeahhhh..

i realise i lack creativity.. i need to expose my self more to not just professionals.. but to de-construction-ists.. people who see the bigger picture... i cant be stealing ideas all the time.. rarely do i come up with stuff thats original.. even if it is original, its a heavy modification of something that already exists..

oh wait.. i did invent the pen spoon and pen fork which is worth a million dollars..

i dont know why i'm on live journal.. but i'm here now.. its so much easier.. anyway.. been working like mad.. i just cant wait for school to begin.. everytime i read or watch videos about school, i feel like just packing my bags and leaving instantly..

MEET THE BLOBBB!!! maybe i should get him as a tattoo.. haha..